Ho Hum

I've not been in a very talkative mood lately, have you noticed? Maybe I'm scared that I'll make a long draft that won't publish and I'll feel that sinking feeling again of an hour just wasted. Maybe I'm just worn out.

Mike has been a not so nice person lately. Or have I been too sensitive. I don't know. There's just this feeling of blah hanging over me I can't seem to shake. But, it's irritating to me to know that all it takes from him is one touch and my heart melts. I was praying in the shower the other morning and I told God that I really didn't like Mike anymore. I was assuming I still loved him or I wouldn't still be sticking by him. But I wasn't sure if it was love or just habit. The knowledge that I didn't like him anymore was glaring at me eye ball to eye ball. I didn't like the way he treated me, I didn't like the foul language he uses, I didn't like his morals, I didn't like his standards, he really doesn't even have standards at all. If he does they are so low I don't see them. All it seems he wants it to work and to party. Party and to work. Ride the bike, party. Party, ride the bike. Family? What's that? Nothing he has anything to do with. Not his responsibility beyond paying the bills. All this time I feel my feelings for him slipping away in this cloud of disgust, I try to disguise it. Hide my real feelings. Hide the way I feel like I come in a distant second in his life. Or third, or fourth or tenth. But then he'll climb in bed next to me and reach for my hand that's up over my head and stroke it with his own fingers and I'm a goner all over again. Yes, it's still love. Habit couldn't make my heart race when he comes into the kitchen and gives me a full body hug while I'm cooking supper. It's not disgust I'm feeling when he asks me to take a ride with him on the four wheeler. It's not irritation when my heart soars out of my chest when he stops the four wheeler on a lonely dirt road and turns around to kiss me. It's love. I'm in love with my husband. This past year has been hard, so hard. So hard that sometimes I am not sure if we are going to make it. But there's always that one touch, that kiss that lets me know that we will. We are making it. These may be the "worse" we were talking about nearly 13 years ago when we vowed "for better or for worse". We've had richer and we've had poorer. We've had sickness and we've had health. We've definitely had better and we've definitely had worse. Till death do us part. I love you, Baby.