Fog Horns In the Night

What is an instrument that measures decimals called? A decimeter? Well, I would like to get one of these and measure the decimals of Mike's loudest snoring. He can't possibly sleep well when something that loud is emanating from him. Then I would like to find some other object that emits the same frequency and amount of decimals as his loudest snoring and play it just when he gets good and asleep. How well do you think he would sleep then? Huh? When I snore and it wakes him up or keeps him awake, do I get mad when he rolls me over or wakes me up to get me to stop? No! I apologize for keeping him awake and try to find a different position so I'm less offensive. Last night I'd been asleep for 3 hours when all of a sudden it was as if the Titanic were in our bedroom blasting it's horn. Or maybe an airplane taking off. Or maybe an airplane reaching Mach one. All I know is that it was quiet then it was loud. And I was awake. I got up and went to the bathroom, turned the light on even, thinking that maybe, just maybe it would wake him up enough to where he'd roll over and stop snoring. Nope. Didn't happen. He was facing my direction, too. I peed, slammed the lid down on the toilet when I was finished, flushed, washed my hands for the recommended 20 seconds, turned out the light and literally jumped on to the bed. All of these things in their entirety or individually have worked in the past. But not this time. Virgin pines were being sawed down in our bedroom. I laid back down, adjusted the cotton balls in my ears and was wide awake wondering what the heck to do next. I flopped around this way, then that way. I tossed and I turned then knew I couldn't put up with it another second. I gently placed my hand on his arm "Sweetie? Can you roll over?" I asked super softly. Commence the great cussing out. I rolled back over while he was still "mother-f-ing" this and "sonofabitching" that and squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to cry this time. It seems I awoke him from the most blissful, comfortable sleep he'd seen in ages all because I couldn't stand to see him so comfortable and I wanted him to suffer and not sleep all night long. It seems I rejoice in the fact that he had a whole night of restlessness ahead of him. All because I asked him nicely to roll over.

So, this morning, I asked him what time he came to bed. 9:15. What? I hadn't even heard him come to bed! I was already sacked out by 9:15? I knew I wasn't feeling well, but that's pretty early to not even hear him come to bed. He said he came to bed at 9:15 and watched TV until 10:00. That was even weirder because I hadn't heard him or the TV. Then I asked him if he remembered me waking him up at midnight. Oh, yeah. I got to hear it all over again. I'm sorry, but I refuse to be made to feel guilty for asking him to roll over. He said he didn't sleep worth a damn the rest of the night. Good. Serves him right for acting like such a "motherf-ing sob".