Christmas Spirit

I just can't seem to muster it up. I've done my Christmas cards, even handmaking them. That didn't seem to help. Today I started on my shopping. I didn't have a lot of money to go with today, but I got started with some little things. Every year it gets harder and harder to buy for my nieces and nephews. I only see my sister's kids 7 or 8 times a year and I just don't know them very well anymore. They have expensive taste (who doesn't, I think they must get that from their Auntie) and I always worry that they go home saying "Aunt Stacie always gets me the same thing, it's so lame!" And my brother's kids, my gosh, the kids have everything they want already! This year I am even struggling to come up with ideas for my own child. I knew exactly what I wanted to get Mike but getting to Bass Pro may be a tad more difficult than I thought. I think I'll just go some time during the week and not even tell anyone. Leave right after I take Shael to school and get home before Mike. That way Shael won't whine that I went without her and Mike won't know I even got it. He knows what I want to get him and he told me today not to worry about getting it. He didn't want me buying him anything because he wasn't planning on buying me anything. Yeah. He says that every year and he always goes out on Christmas Eve with Shael, gives her a few bucks to buy little things for everybody in the family and he always ends up buying me something while he's out. There's been years that I haven't got him anything. He honestly doesn't seem to care. There's been years that he didn't get me anything and I can honestly say that I cared. I'm shallow enough to care, yet honest enough to admit it. It hurt my feelings something fierce, then it made him feel bad, then I felt bad for making him feel bad. Ugh! It's a vicious, vicious cycle. If we really didn't have the money, that would be a different story.

But, enough of my shallowness. I'm sick of me. I watch too much TV where they husband surprises the wife with a article of jewelry from Jared's, or Zales, or Kay's. Or even JC Penny, or Sears! That ain't gonna happen. Not in my life time. But, a wife can dream. Now, my Dad, there has never been another husband like him. I see him and get stars in my eyes and wish my husband would do things like that for me. He buys my Mom jewelry for every occasion, just about. Not that I want a butt load of jewelry, but there are a few things I've always wanted. He's picked flowers for her in the spring and the summer and brought them home to her. He's had flowers delivered to her at work. The last time Mike had flowers delivered to me was one week before our wedding. The last time he picked flowers for me was when I was pregnant.

Enough! Enough, enough, enough! I'm just mad at him because he picked Mitchell over me again today. His argument was that he stayed home for several days straight, why was I not wanting him to go anywhere? My reply? "SO HAVE I!" I haven't gone anywhere, either. I'd like to go somewhere. And I'd asked him to take me to Tulsa. Broken Arrow, more specifically. Bass Pro! I couldn't believe he passed up a trip to Bass Pro to go to Joplin with Mitchell. I asked him to take me because I don't know how to get there. I do, however, know how to get to the one in Springfield.

He got home fairly early. Freezing cold, because he was on the bike. Supper was just finishing up in the oven. He warmed up, ate, watched a little Polar Express with me and Shael, then gets up and says "Well, I'm leaving". Where, you may ask? To the bar. With Mitchell. Where else. GRRRRR. According to him, though, they were going to play pool at the only billiard place in Grove, which happens to be a bar. Where do you think they spent their day today in Joplin? J-Town. Billiard place. Also a bar. J-Town is a little more family friendly, the bar part is sectioned off so kids can come in and play pool, but not belly up to the bar. But, still, it was almost 9:00 when he left to go play tonight.

I'm just jealous. Sometimes I wish he'd never been introduced to my cousin, Mitchell.

I want a man who looks forward to seeing me in the evening. Who comes home to be with his family, not comes home because this is just the place he lives and gets fed every night and sex whenever he feels like it. Dadgumit! I get so mad at myself because I want to be aloof and indifferent, like he is, but I betray myself and get excited to see him when he gets home. There's been times that he's said "Hey, let's go do something" and I put the food that I just finished cooking for supper in the refrigerator to eat later, literally drop everything, and go along with him. Simply because he asked. To get him to do something with me, I have to have an appointment two weeks in advance and drop subtle reminders throughout those two weeks without it coming across as nagging. Ahhh!

I'm frustrated, irritated, disconnected from it all.

Ah, heck, I'll just post the whole dang song. Thanks Krystal Meyers.

Dear God

It's me again down here

Don't wanna sound insincere

I'm lost

Sometimes you're so unclear

What can I do?

I'm feeling so far from you

Frustrated

Irritated

Disconnected from it all

The weight of the world

Has pushed me to the wall

(Chorus)

I surrender

To you I'm giving in

Come take me

Save me

I want to start again

I'll open my broken heart

'Cause I've reached the end

And you are the way to begin

I've seen a million empty smiles

Living in denial

I don't wanna live like that

Where nothing's real

I hate how it is to feel

Frustrated

Irritated

Disconnected from it all

I'm breaking

I'm aching for something beautiful

(Chorus)

All the riches in this world

Couldn't fill this great big hole

It takes something so much more

Only you can take me

You can make me whole