Life

It comes at me so fast I feel like I'm spinning by the force of it. Why? I'm not working, I'm not really doing anything, but I feel like everything around me is going on without me. Take Thanksgiving, for instance. I took part in celebrating, but I somehow felt like I wasn't really there. Like I was watching myself take part in celebrating, but me, myself, I was in some far off place, hovering in the fog, waiting for someone to notice that I was absent from the festivities. It's funny how you can do things like you do year after year until it takes zero thought about it and you can have your mind a million miles away while your body does what people around you expect from you.
Sorry I'm so glum, chum. (I got that from a line in a book I read when I was a kid. Why so glum, chum?) Now you know why I haven't been posting much. Things, blog-worthy things, have been going on, but each time I try to post, it doesn't come out the way I intended. Instead, I have these inane thoughts pop into my head to post when I sit down at the computer. The dreaded what-if game is a popular game in my mind lately. What if Mike and I hadn't gotten back together, what would Thanksgiving had been like this year for both of us, not to mention Shael? Would he have gone on with the Wilkinson Thanksgiving dinner that I put together or not? Probably not. How often would he change the sheets on the bed? Would he even know where I keep the clean sheets or would he just take the set that's on the bed and wash them over and over?
I have these three soundtracks I got a while back to sing at church. One of them is ready. I've practiced a million times, I've got it down, words memorized and everything. I sound ready. I'm not ready. Because each time I even think about going up there on that stage with a microphone in my hand and singing a song and looking at that empty chair there on the front row, I realize I am not ready. Maybe next month. Until then, I'll keep practicing.