Saturday, November 15, 2008

it's here

Got my apartment finally. It's about the most depressing thing I've ever done, moving into that little one bedroom affair. Yesterday when I was moving some stuff, it was raining, I was crying, and Mike kept sending me hateful text messages. I finally said leave me alone. I'd had enough. He left me alone. I think he's hurting real bad, so I'm trying to give him some understanding. When what I would really like to do is say F You, You A-Hole!
He was trying to pick a fight. Trying his hardest, but I rose above and didn't bite his bait. I'm so glad, cause it would have made it so much worse. I want to get all my stuff out of his house and the papers final before I say anything bad to him. That way I will only have my regrets to myself, it won't do anything to Shael or my stuff. lol. I probably won't ever do or say anything, that's just me talking.
I had nails put on the other day and it is so hard to type. What was I thinking? I've got a paper to type up in the next couple of days. This is going to be tough.
Well, wish me luck in everything. These are the lean times. I thought I'd left all that behind me, but here I am again. I'm so sad. So very, very sad.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

It's A Party

Come on if you're feeling if you're feeling alright.

I'm jamming to Hawk Nelson. And right now I'm feeling alright. I'm on some meds right now that make everything feel just peachy. I won't go into any details cause I haven't told my parents. I feel like a sneaky teenager taking drugs behind their backs. A 15 year old taking bc behind her mom's back. lol.

I will quote my sister.....Mom doesn't need to know everything. I've told a cross section of people from my life. My sister and Mike for family. Two women from church for my church family. My bff, even though she's a million miles away in Maine, and my cop friend, Ron. He's got a little bit of experience in this kind of thing, I feel safe in his hands. Well, I'm not "in his hands" YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!

Tuesday I felt so yucky. I thought I was okay, went to the mall in between classes, tried on some jeans (SIZE 9!!! LEVI'S JUNIOR SIZE 9, HOW AWESOME IS THAT??!!) then I went to Payless and tried on all the size 6-1/2 shoes I liked, yes, even my shoes size went down with the rest of my body. Then I just kind of strolled around doing nothing and looking at everything. I got a fingernail buffed to high sheen. It looked like glass when she got done with it, but I had a dollar and she wanted 58 more of them to buy that stuff. I found a B. Dalton. My favorite! I found a few interesting things in the very front where they have the things to catch your attention and draw you into the store. I would go in without those things out front, I love books. I wasn't in there for just a few minutes when I started to crash. I seriously wanted to lay down in the floor and take a nap. I had been talking with my friend, Ron, and I sent him a text saying I didn't feel good at all. It was like one minute I was telling him how good I felt, the next I was saying I didn't feel good. He asked me what was wrong and I told him and he told me I needed to go home. The meds were playing havoc with me again. I found a chair in the store and sat down for a few minutes until I felt like I could function enough to get to my car and get something to drink. It felt like real, real low blood sugar when you don't eat. Or when you eat a lot of sugar and then the sugar wears off. But, I hadn't done any of that kind of stuff. I've been eating, not much, but enough to ward off the shakes. Another side effect of the meds is decreased appetite, I don't' eat much, but I do eat. Not enough for it to mess with my blood sugar, and I'm not diabetic or hypoglycemic.
I got to my car, drank some tea, got back to the school, turned in my homework, and went home. It didn't happen so quick, tho, I wish. First, it was only 3:30 and my class wasn't until 6:00. I had to waste a couple more hours. I went to a park, took a nap, but not a deep nap. Ron kept keeping tabs on me to make sure I was ok. My stomach felt like I needed to throw up. I got to the school a little after 5:00 but found the room was still locked. I went back to my car and sat in there for another 30 minutes until I saw some of my other classmates walking that way. I got out, went inside, turned in my work, then went back to my car. To find that I had locked the keys in it. Great. My only set, too. I looked for someone to help me, but no one could. I know no one in Fayetteville, I had that one dollar still, and it was getting late. No one has metal hangers anymore, plastic hangers are the thing on university campuses, I guess. Maybe they all saw Mommy Dearest? idk.
But, I finally did find campus police and had to wait on them for about 20 minutes for him to finish harassing some boy driving a mustang. I sat down and cried for a couple minutes while I waited on him. Ron, policeman Ron, told me I needed to go knock him in the head to get his attention. I just love Ron, he's the only cop who would say stuff like that. When he got done, he was able to help me. It took him all of about 20 seconds to get my car unlocked. I waited all that time for 20 seconds worth of work! He pulled out this velvet pouch with these tools in it. A handbook with all the makes and models of cars. He asked me what year my car was, made his choice of tools and presto. There ya go. It was 6:30 by the time I left Fayetteville. I could hardly see straight. But I made it. I was in bed by 8:39. Then awake again by midnight.

These meds, I have the perfect description of how they make me feel. Pregnant. Only worse. I feel sick to my stomach part of the day, then feel on top of the world. In between those two, I feel extreme fatigue. My sleep patterns are totally disrupted. I feel so sleepy I can't keep my eyes open, so I go to bed, only to sleep just a few hours, then I'm wide awake. I don't sleep over 5 hours a night these days. I don't like that at all. No wonder I'm so tired during the day.

Well, that's about it. I'm still feeling pretty good. Right now. I can't hold still. I slept for two more hours this morning after being up for a couple hours, then when I woke up I felt good. Maybe that's just what I need only I usually can't do that. Both classes were cancelled today so I didn't have anything to do. Laundry.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Friends

I got this email a long time ago and I just now read it. I'm sorry, but if you send something to my yahoo addy, I might read it in six months. But, this email made me think of the friends I made last spring while I was working at the travel center. Funny Guy and his bff Rose, especially. Those 10 things I learned about me were all a direct result of Funny Guy. But now he's gone, won't even talk to me. Breaks my heart, but, oh well. He was there for a season and a reason.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need youhave expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build uponin order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Insert Clever Title Here

Today was about the saddest day in history. Maybe not sad, but boring. I did laundry. That's it. I took a walk to break up the monotony of it all. I've text chatted with my sister and my friend Ron. That is it!

I wish I could have been moving, it was such a beautiful day. But, nope not yet. I had the water turned on yesterday, the electric gets turned on Monday, then I have to wait a few days to get the security deposit paid. Long story involving tribal stuff I don't want to get in to right now. Unless you're a tribal member, it probably wouldn't interest or make sense to you anyway. So, I should be moving in next week. Every day is just one day closer.

My parents have no confidence in me that I'll be able to make it. I can feel the love oozing from them. More like hostility? Do they want me to stay here forever? I want to go home, but for now that is not an option. So, I want to create my own home. I'm tired of eating their food, which is weird and sometimes tasteless. I'm tired of watching what they want to watch on TV. Mom, preaching, Daddy, History Channel. I won't even have a TV where I'm going, so I should get use to that. I'm tired of getting up to get in the shower only to find someone in the shower already or sitting in their stinking it up. I know I shouldn't complain. Please forgive me my whining. But enough already!

I want to walk through my own place naked without worrying about someone walking in and seeing me. I want to eat food I cook without hearing "that's not good for your weight Stacie" or some other comment about my weight. I want to get a drink of water and come back a few hours later and find my cup where I left it.

Maybe the next time I post it will be from my brand new to me apartment in down town Wyandotte, Oklahoma. Walkin in tall cotton.