Friday, October 31, 2008

Every Which Way But Loose

Do you ever feel like you are being pulled into a hundred different directions but what you really want to do is just sit down and regather yourself. Regather your thoughts, your goals, your reasons for getting up everyday in the first place. Well, maybe all you extroverts out there have never felt that way, but this introvert most certainly has.

Some heart breaking news. Mike and I just didn't make it. We tried our hardest. He was wonderful the last three months we were together, but I just couldn't keep me together. I've cried enough tears, you'd think I would have drowned in them by now. But, I'm still here. I love Mike so much, and he loves me, but some obstacles are so big, it takes more than we have in ourselves to get over them. And we had more than one of those large obstacles in our way.

I moved out on September 29. Back to my parents, yeehaw. But, I will be moving into my own apartment next week. I'll be living in what we use to call the "ghetto" when I was a kid, right there in Wyandotte! It's not too bad. Lots of old people and a few young families. Shael will be with me 3 nights a week and with Mike 4 nights a week.

School is still going okay. I made it through mid terms. With no mid term tests! Just a big paper due that I thought was going to kill me, but I got the stupid thing done and boy was I so relieved to have it over with. Only one more of those suckers this semester.

I've gone down another pant size and a few more pounds. I weigh a little over 140 lbs, not sure on the exact poundage, but approximately. I can wear a 9, 10 or 11, depending on the brand of jeans. Heck, the Levi's I'm wearing today are size 8! I believe they are sized wrong, which is why the woman who gave them to me, gave them to me. lol.

Work is work. Except they are paying me a quarter less an hour than I agreed to when I was hired. Now they conveniently don't recall that they agreed to pay me a certain amount per hour and it's not written down. I might be moving on down the road soon.

Well, that's about it. I will try to keep you more up to date, but I'm so bad about this when I'm feeling lousy. It's like I don't even care.

Have a nice day all you bloggers!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Revelation 3:15-22

Remember when I said I didn't understand what Jesus was talking about in the Bible? How he seemed cryptic in his parables and stories and they didn't always make sense to me? Well, this is Jesus talking again, only in the book of Revelation. I think he was pretty clear here.

15 “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! 16 But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! 17 You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked. 18 So I advise you to buy gold from me—gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see. 19 I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference. 20 “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends. 21 Those who are victorious will sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat with my Father on his throne. 22 “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches.”

By the way, this is out of the New Living Translation and I am using it without permission. Hope I don't get sued. (Scott? What do you know about copyright laws? lol)

This Is Home

I can't remember if I've posted this song before. And since I'm so lazy, I won't go searching the archives, I'll just post it again. I mean, c'mon! It's Switchfoot! They deserve to be posted twice anyway.
Switchfoot ROCKS.....

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you nowI've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known

[Chorus]
This is home
Now I'm finally back to where I belong
Where I BelongYeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
This is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyesa wide it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone

[Chorus]

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

[Chorus]

Now I know
Yeah, this is home
I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

Funny Guy, this one's for you.

DING!

That's the sound of a really good idea popping into my head. Ding!
If people want to save energy and "Think Green" (I still kick myself for not having the knowledge about such things at 10 years of age to copyright that saying!!!), then I have an idea you may want to try.
Stop wearing underwear!
Ya! You stop wearing underwear, you could possibly save thousands of cotton plants a year, the energy it takes to create those cotton plants into cotton pants, not to mention the energy it takes to wash these underwear every week. Your laundry will go down, therefore saving water!
Now isn't that thinking green, everybody?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Our Day Together

This was my short day at school, and to me it seemed to be over pretty quick. But for Shael, I think she probably thought it lasted forever. She actually fell asleep during Adult Development. lol. The prof let us out over 30 minutes early and when she did she said "Because I see some of you are starting to fall asleep". I hope she wasn't referring to Shael, but then again, I don't really care, we got out early!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

I Will NOT Be Moved

Will Not Be Moved

» Natalie Grant
I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved

Hola

I just finished a final. I just finished a course. I'm so happy to be done with that silly, frivolous class I paid big bucks for. The best part of the whole class was that it was only 8 weeks long. Lol

Shael is going to school with me Thursday. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I'll have company! Yay! I'll have someone to talk to (hopefully) on that long ride down and back. And since today was the last day of that stupid class, I will be getting out of my last class at 12:30. She's on fall break, so she will not even be missing any school herself to visit mine. I hope it doesn't scare her away from college now that she has finally decided to go. I'll try to remember the camera and take lots of pictures.

There is the most beautiful tree here on campus. It is brilliant! I think the trees here in NWA are much prettier than they are in NEO. How is it that that is possible? It's only about 70 miles difference. I think it's the elevation. The elevation here in Arkansas is much higher (I think) than in Oklahoma. I want to get a pic of it Thursday when Shael comes to school with me. Hopefully there won't be this huge storm in between now and then that blows all the leaves to the ground.

Thinking of leaves falling to the ground, let me tell you a little story about a couple of my classes.
The first one, Life Span Development. We are discussing spanking. Hoo-rah a subject I'm familiar with. It seems this prof is proficient in putting words in your mouth that you never intended to say. So, if you don't know where you stand on a subject, if you aren't 100% positive, he can make you out to look like a fool. I made some comments, well, heck, I'll tell you what I said. I said that spankings are not punishments, or shouldn't be, they are a form of discipline. And a life time without discipline will eventually lead to punishment, such as jail, the ultimate punishment. And the prof said "So, you're saying that unless people spank their kids they'll grow up to go to jail?" I said "no, I didn't say that. I'm saying that undisciplined kids are more apt to grow up to have behavioral problems that may (or may not) eventually lead to some jail time. He all but said "Moving right along". Today in that class we were still on the same subject and I wanted to get on with it already. He didn't like what I had to say today, either. Gosh, what's up with me? Today he asked the question "Have you ever seen someone mistreating their kids in Wal-Mart and intervened?" His point was that most people will not say anything, just turn the other way and ignore it because that's the social norm these days, to ignore children in need of some help, simply because of "privacy". If a child is acting horrible and the parent spanks them in Wal-Mart, I applaud them. If I see a child that is being mistreated, that's a different story. So, I spoke up. "Yes, I have said something to a parent who I thought was mistreating their child in Wal-Mart". He looked over and said "WHO SAID THAT?" lol. It's me! It's me! It's Earnest T! He wanted to know what I would possible have to say to a parent in Wal-Mart so I told him the truth, and this is truth, I have done this in the past. A couple of times, to be exact. I walk up to the parent (usually the mother) and say "Excuse me, I don't mean to interfere, but is there anything I can do to help you? You look like you are getting a little stressed out". This will let that parent know that what they are doing is being noticed by others. So, if the parent really isn't a child abuser, which in most situations is probably the case, they have time to step back and take a look at how they are acting and reacting to their child/children. If they are in fact, a child abuser, they may take a second look at what they think is "normative" behavior and question themselves "is this not acceptable?". I don't know, that's my perspective.
My point being, I know what I believe to be right, and I know what I believe to be wrong. No glorified teacher with a PhD is going to sway my beliefs.
The second one, Adult Development (which is the bad class this semester), we had this discussion last Thursday about immunizations that help and I brought up the fact that I didn't allow my daughter to receive the HPV (or whatever) vaccination. Well, that started up a round of discussion that took up the rest of the class. My mind was already made up, there was no way anyone could sway me, no matter what they said. I knew what I believed and I was standing firm. After class my prof took me aside and said "I hope you didn't think I was preaching to you". I don't care if she was, she wasn't going to change my mind.
So, where was I going with all this? I am so grateful that I am an adult student, compared to a student fresh out of high school. Yes, fresh out of high school would have been so fun, with so many activities that I could have done then that I can't do now. But, I would have been like a leaf blowing in the wind. At the mercy of the wind to move anywhere. As an adult, I know my principles, my beliefs, my morals, my faith. Yes, I am constantly learning, but my core being has been solidified. I know what is me, I know what makes up me. I am confident in that. Maybe some would say bull-headed and stubborn. But, that's ok. Better to be bull-headed and stubborn than flighty and moving from one belief to the next when something better sounding comes along.

So, I don't know, maybe I don't make the best kind of student every teacher dreams of having. I ask those questions that make those professors have to stop and think and either be honest and say "I don't know" or fluster about making stuff up. Both have happened to me. I use to think at NEO that it was just out of touch instructors, but now, I think it's just me. lol. I ask those question that make you go "hmmm".

Did you know that scantrons cost 3 cents less here at U of A than they do at NEO? What's up with that? (Apparently, I'm all out of questions that make you go "hmmm") And they are full page scantrons, too, not just those skinny little shrimpy things that NEO uses. Although, I'm totally okay with those skinny little shrimpy things because they only have 100 questions on them and the full page scantrons have 400.

Holy crap, I just about turned this chair over. Would that not be the highlight of my humiliation? It's not very stable and if you lean back just a little bit too far it's starts getting a little unstable.

Maybe one of my questions that make you go "hmmm" could be:
Who's grand idea was it to create the word lisp with an "s"?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Isn't She Lovely?

My baby girl. No longer a baby, is she? Now that she's a big teenager, I cherish those rare moments of happiness between the two of us when she's not criticizing my clothes or my shoes or telling me I have bad breath or pepper stuck in my teeth. To her, I will always be on the outskirts of cool, even if her friends think I'm cool. I'm her Mom! What are they thinking?

She is very beautiful, I think they boys are starting to notice. I think some boys have noticed that don't want to admit they've noticed so ignore her now and/or give her the cold shoulder. I'm not sure, but that's what I suspect. She doesn't care.

She tried on a pair of my jeans the other day and I was down right jealous. That's what those jeans are suppose to look like on! I never knew! Tight in all the right places, they made her look HOT. At first, I said we need to go shopping to get her some new jeans that fit her like those. Then I reconsidered and said never mind. I don't think I want her going out of the house looking like that. All the boys would notice then, cuz that girls got back! She got it from the Wilkinson's and that so not fair when your daughter has a better body than you ever had.

You white people with butts, please, please don't ever take them for granted. Show them off, pamper them (um, not literally with pampers unless you're into that kinda fu-reaky thing, and then, that's just gross) and enjoy what you've got. Us Indian folk will just marvel at the novelty of a butt. Oh, well. At least I've got big boobs. Right?

Me N Shael


We're ready for our close up!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Now Until Forever (in love)-Hebrews 4:16

Hebrews 4:16 actually says "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Now Until Forever (in love) by In The Deep

I look into Your eyes and see
A never passing love
Your gaze holds me so captivated here
As I look toward Your glowing face, oh Lord
I fall before the throne
Of the One who gave it all
So here I give my all to You
My Father and my Friend
I throw my life upon
The seat of grace beyond
Now until forever
It is You and I in love
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Than in this place with You
It's in Your arms where I find peace
Your love consumes every part of me

Holy Crap

Wow, now that I have readers, I'm going to have to actually post something on this thing. Where can I begin? It seems that my writing abilities kind of dried up when my thoughts were centered on other things. Like living. Who knew I wasn't living all those years? Who was I? What was I? All I know is that I refuse to become that same stupid fat housewife I use to be.

I spent 10 years being so self-hating, with zero self-esteem, it is taking a few years to bounce back from that decade long funk. Depression sucks. I have empathy for anybody dealing with that low down, dirty rotten trick. If I don't love myself, how can I love anybody else? If I don't forgive myself, how can I ever forgive anybody else?

Forgiveness. Such a precious subject. Jesus spoke of it often and actually was very clear about the subject. Honestly, I find some of His parables somewhat vague, a person really has to know God and dig in to His word to find understanding and clarity of those vague parables and stories. But, with forgiveness, He is very clear cut. Mathew 6:14 says " For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." and verse 15 goes on to say "But, if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." That seems pretty easy to understand to me!

So, if you are harboring unforgivness, forgive. Don't hang on to that. All it does is make you bitter. Who likes bitter?

Friday, October 10, 2008

10 Things I've Learned

Two posts in one day, what the world's getting in to me?

The past 6 months, heck, the past YEAR has been the hardest time of my life. I've cried more tears in the past 12 months than I ever thought humanly possible. An upside of all those tears, crying burns calories. Burning calories helps one lose weight. lol.
But, anyway, let me get on with this. I have learned more in the past 6 months about one of my most favorite subjects, ME! Who knew? I am saddened by the way I learned them, but God can make beautiful the most ugly of situations. I hope that I remember these lessons learned but forget the way I learned them. Does that make sense? Here they are

  1. I learned that I was/am a very judgmental person
  2. I learned what it's like to live without grudges
  3. I learned that if I didn't like, and yes, even love myself, then not much else matters
  4. I learned that I am smart, I am funny, and I am a complete and utter dork, and that is what people like most about me
  5. I learned I am not very good at playing head games, there is always somebody better at it than me
  6. I learned I give up too easy
  7. I learned I need to fight for something I want without whining
  8. I learned I shouldn't try to change who I am for anybody
  9. I learned my body doesn't have to be perfect to be attractive
  10. I learned there is something about my eyes that attract people to me. My eyes truly are a window to my soul.

First Day Of School

This is kind of old, after all, I'm halfway through my first semester at U of A. But, I came across what I wrote down in a notebook, so I thought I would go ahead and post it, which is what I had intended in the first place.

Well, today is day one of U of A. A very big place for this little woman. I printed out my schedule a few weeks ago but it only had course numbers, not names. Got to my first class just fine. Not early enough to get a good seat since I had to walk literally a mile to get to it. Life Span Development. It went well. When it was over, I had 10 minutes to rush to my second class.

My schedule I had printed out told me AGRI 0115 as the building and room number. I got in there and quickly found I didn't belong. With no discreet way to exit, I held on till the bitter end. Thankfully, he only wen over the syllabus then dismissed. Had he lectured I would have been bored to death. They would have found my corpse after class, rigamortis set in already. COD: Domestic and International Agriculture Policy. I checked and rechecked my slip of paper and I had the room right, but the course was wrong.

When I got out of there, I texted Mike, who never replied, then called the church. Thinking my tears from fears were over, I surprised myself when I started crying all over again on the phone with the church secretary. She commiserated with me, told me I was brave and encouraged me. When I found an empty computer (not an easy feat even in a place this size) I looked at my schedule again. What is now on my schedule for that class is totally different than it was just at the beginning of the month when I printed it out. Thank GOD I'm not enrolled in Professor Wailes' Domestic and International Agriculture Policy class (who's prereqs are micro & macroeconomics, neither of which I've had, nor do I ever wish to)

I am enrolled in Adult Development. Instead of saying AGRI 0115 it says AFLS 0107E. Where ever that is. I'll have to look it up on my giant map. What happened here? I would like to know. Some weird computer glitch? A change in plans as to the whereabouts of two totally different classes? I don't know, but I do know I missed my first class of Adult Development.

So, Ive just been wondering around, wasting time until my 2:30 class. I looked through the Union, sort of. It was so crowded with people, kids, walking around knowing exactly where they were going or looking as if they did. I was sauntering, trying to get my bearings and trying to figure out and remember where everything was.

As I walked out, I saw a large (you'd think this place was Texas by the size of everything here) banner on a building. I had no idea what the building even was until I read that banner. "Welcome to the Library" it said. Ahhh- the library. One of seven on this campus. I know libraries, they ease and comfort me, which was what I sorely needed. So, I walked in. This is no library. Sure, they have all the components a library should have, periodicals, research computers, all that good stuff, but where was the peace I usually feel upon entering a library? There's no comfort here. Only cavernous rooms called "Reading Rooms" (quiet please!) and mysterious curved stair cases that takes you who knows where. Where is the intimate feeling of having rows of books surround you? Where's the smell of old and new paper with uncountable pages of ink? I wish that I had a map, not only of this expansive campus, but of each and every building. this library most of all. Where are the bathrooms? Stuff like that.

Instead I'm just roaming around hoping I don't stumble into somewhere I'm not suppose to be. Like I did this morning. No wonder my name wasn't on his list. I really hope that by the time my next class is over at 3:20, I will find this campus a little less crowded. I need the computer lab to print some things out.

I know that this is where I am suppose to be, this is where God led me to go. But He has certainly gotten me out of my comfort zone for this one. Stepping out in faith to go to this school where I know no one. I came down today with no money, bald tires, and half a tank of gas. Ive got a bottle of water and a peanut butter sandwich in my purse. Tuition hasn't been paid and I'm not even sure I know how it's going to be paid. But God told me to go, so I went. The rest is up to Him. "God didn't tell me to waste these dreams".

I keep looking around oping that I see someone else, any one else, that has the same bewildered, overwhelmed look on their face as I'm sure that I have on mine.

People are in here in the Reading Room of the library with their lap tops, their ipods, studying their books or writing furiously in notebooks after reading something in a text book. I didn't even have the money to buy my text books yet.

I knew this would be different from NEO. If all my classes are as interesting as the Life Span development I will be fine and dandy. If I have any classes like the one I shouldn't have gone to, I will be in too deep.

I never knew I was such a creature of habit and familiarity. I'm looking forward to this place becoming habitual and familiar. By then it will be time to move on to career. More uncharted, unfamiliar territory for me. I never knew this stuff about me until I started school. Mike just doesn't get it. His anxieties run a different direction as mine and he has a hard time seeing things through my eyes. He tells me to buck up, or get over it. When all I need to hear from him is it's okay. I support you. You have me behind you every step of the way. I know he feels that way, but he doesn't say it and I need those words. I just now got a text from him that was encouraging. Hang in there. Don't give up so easy. I will hang in there. I won't give up easily at all. I wont give up at all. I will fight this until I am a graduate of U of A. By then, I may have reconsidered the Masters program, but I doubt it.

This is a good school. Having a degree from here will mean a lot to me. More than a degree from NSU where I know lots of people. Or MSSU where I'm familiar with the campus. But a degree from U of A will mean that it's something I did and earned on my own with the help of God. He will get full credit for it. I give Him full credit for getting this far.

Even sitting here writing this down long hand, I've had to dash away tears. I feel so weak when I start crying. I will remind myself that it is when I am weak, He is strong. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I don't doubt His ability to do anything. What's a few thousand dollars a semester (5 of them to be exact) to God? He takes care of me. He's so good to me even when I'm not so good to Him. He remembers me and blesses me in spite of myself. Of all the prayers going up in the world right now, He hears mine and I feel like He stops just to listen to me, just like a father does his child. Right now I feel just like what Brother Leon use to sing "Jesus love me more than anybody else".

*****************************************************************************

And that was it. What do you think? Was I full of anxiety or what? lol Just for the record, yes, they had changed classrooms two days before the first day of class and had sent me an email telling me about this. I hadn't checked my email, so I went to the wrong class. Since then, we've changed rooms again, back to the original building it was in, but in a different room. Third floor instead of basement. My first class of the morning also got moved to a whole different building also, which was to my advantage, a little closer and not out on the far edge of campus. I've learned how to take the bus now so I don't have to walk a mile up hill to get to class. Then a mile downhill to get to my car. I take the Green bus. How appropriate. Destiny, I guess.
I'm still driving on the same bald tires, God only knows how, but I am. I pray every day and plead the blood of Jesus over my body, so I guess that doesn't hurt. lol. Tuition is still not paid in full. I paid 1/3 of it with my Mom's credit card and gave her $700 to cover the $1600 I charged. I applied for a student loan but haven't heard anything on it yet. If I get denied, I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do.
My life span class is still very interesting. Sometimes a little boring cuz I already know all this stuff and it seems so common sense to me. But, the kids I'm in there with don't have the same life experiences that I do, so it's all new to them. We watched a video of a baby being born and when that head crowned, you could hear a collective gasp throughout the room. Very amusing. My adult development class has turned into my hard class of the semester. There always seems to be that one class every semester that consumes your thoughts and your time. Well, this is it. I will be glad to be done with her class. I've heard she is one of the hardest profs at the University. But, it's a class I have to have to graduate, so I might as well get it over with now.

Well, that's about it for now. I hope you all are doing wonderful.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Give Me Revelation

My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain
Now I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation
Show me what to do'
Cause I've been trying to find my wayI haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without you
I've got nothing without you
My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end
I don't know where I can turn
Tell me, when will I learn
Won't you show me where I need to go
Let me follow your lead
I know that it's the only way that I can get back home